7/21 XPW TV
by Chris Lening

A fire alarm sounds (1), indicating that KJLA channel 63 is done with Jakked and ready to move on to something far beyond.

When last we left our heroes: two guys, one of whom is named Kevin, and the other of whom does not like Kevin (2), bitch about nutshells as Kaos comes in, all angry and stuff. The guys praise Kaos's big fubleeeeep balls, but mock Kaos's burned uncle Supreme. Kaos takes umbrage. The guy who does not like Kevin wants to reward Kaos for being in a match with Supreme in which Supreme was badly injured, and brings up the upcoming XPW TV Title Tournament, which was decided upon once they realized they have a TV show (3). Oh no, says Kaos, for all he wants is the Enterprise (4), who are the assorted wrestlers, manager types, and porn stars largely responsible for putting Supreme out of action (well, some blame goes to the guys who decided to put the flaming table out before the flaming man (5)). Kaos shows how distraught he is over the actions of this Enterprise, by stuttering his words when speaking, often doing so intentionally (6). As he leaves, one guy says makes a barbeque chicken crack, and the other calls Kaos a jerkoff.

On to tonight's business, then.

Kevin is SITTING~!, but he is interrupted by White Trash Johnny Webb, who claims to have a problem over not getting a title shot. Back and forth repartee commences, eventually leading Webb to threaten assault and the destruction of the TV in Kevin's office. Kevin stalls this threatening by offering Webb a spot in the TV Title Tournament. Webb is incredulous over the fact that XPW has a television show. Apparently he thinks the camera guy is just there to film some porn or something (7). Kevin assures him they do have a show, and up to 30,000 people a week watch. Well, now, let's not get cocky, there, skipper. Webb accepts the entry, sealing the deal by stealing Kevin's TV, which for some reason was unplugged and thus able to be lifted right off the desk. Our first of many bizarre zoom-ins (8) displays the Britney Spears poster on the wall in Kevin's office. If she doesn't know who Mick Foley is (9), chances are Kevin's gonna scare her sweet little self away.

Intro music is, as always, Metallica's "I Disappear", to various shots of XPW action, much of it from the most recent Rapture show, and most of it centering on XPW's main selling points: violence, breasts, and former WCW/ECW wrestlers, most of whom no longer show up in XPW. Former Wrestlers of merit include Sabu, Shane Douglas (no longer works there), Sandman (worked the last show before leaving), Vampiro (showed up in CMLL this week), Terry Funk (he showed up a couple of times, I think), and New Jack, if in fact you consider New Jack to formerly be of merit (10).

Once "I Disappear" is done playing in full, a close-up of Edvard Munsch's "The Scream" zooms out to your host, Larry Rivera, complete with his bizarre "Latino" accent (11). The wider shot also shows Van Gogh's "Starry Night", because Rob Black is undoubtedly a classy, classy gentleman. Rivera's normal cohost, Kris Kloss (must…avoid…making…joke about…"Jump, Jump") is absent, much to Rivera's delight. No, Kloss is under investigation for illegal tampering with the Internet. Your xpwrestling.com webmaster is on speaker phone, and he reveals that in a web poll for favorite announcer, Kloss voted for himself some 3700 times, thus earning himself a tainted victory over Rivera. Yes, apparently you can get arrested for that, at least in a land where cameramen are invisible and TV's run without electricity. Yes, the lesson for the day is apparently not to vote multiple times from the same IP address, unless you want to face the horrors of the legal system (12). Rivera promises a big show, with more Rapture footage, plus info on the Second Anniversary show and a Rapture music video package.

Kevin enters the office of the guy who doesn't like Kevin, but forgets to knock, thus drawing the ire of said non-Kevin guy. Kevin exits, knocks, and after a -hilarious- encounter in which the other guy asks who it is and Kevin gets all pissed because he damn well knows who it is and such and such, Kevin reenters (13). Art, manners: XPW is about class, y'all. Kevin is wearing a Rancid shirt, 'cause he's all hep and stuff (14). Other guy says he is listening to something, then says fuck twice, because the censor knows what to do. Kevin recounts his earlier experience with Johnny Webb. Other guy is pissed that Kevin granted Webb the tournament bid without prior consent, then proceeds to utter the World's Worst "What's the matter with you" ever. For those wondering, he enunciates all the words without trying to, thus sounding like a really WASP-y guy trying to do a Sopranos imitation. Other guy negates this previous anger by telling Kevin to tell Webb that he's in the tournament, but that Webb will owe him a "favor" in return (15).

An ad for 8x10 shots of XPW personality Lizzie Borden, with personalized autographs and the promise of a special bonus shot if all four pictures are bought for $35.00 (16). She looks really, really bored with her nudity there.

Merchandise plug, beginning with the saucy photos from above, plus shirts and stuff. One shirt in particular has an XPW logo atop a large-font "Mark" on the front (17). Ooh, they're down with the lingo!

A tight zoom of general flesh trauma moves out to show Supreme, all bandaged and such. Kaos enters and asks of his condition, to which Supreme responds with some expletives and a few skin grafts here and there. Kaos turns up the emote dial, giving us distraught and forlorn over what has happened. Again with the oft-intentional stuttering. Supreme encourages Kaos to enter the tournament and enact revenge on the Enterprise, most of whom are apparently sh(bleeeeeeep). Kaos remains unsure, yet Supreme pledges to return to assist his nephew in acquiring belts and the power which comes with it (18). Kaos needs Supreme in his corner however, to which Supreme gives his consent by cursing a few times. Their blood, apparently, is thicker than water. Supreme agrees with a "Fu(bleeeeep) yeah!" Tight zoom on their handshake.

Rivera takes us back in time to Redemption, where Webb and Kaos apparently faced off for a shot at XPW champ the Messiah (19). The Enterprise interfered in an attempt to bring Kaos into their ranks by giving Webb some unwanted help (20). Apparently Webb went all insane and stuff, on "one of the binges of the booze" and showed up at Rapture with harsh words for the Enterprise, and particularly Steve Rizzono. Tight zoom on Rivera's face into the only transition between segments XPW has (an exploding logo).

The creepiest ring announcer ever (21) announces this match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit (22). Webb comes out, and directly addresses the camera about having to pull glass out of his eye. He curses out the announcer guy, Singapore cane in hand, before proclaiming that he had Kaos beat before the Enterprise got involved, then moves on to bring up the glass thing again. He calls out Steve Rizzono, who comes out to Ode to Joy (23) with the rest of the Enterprise and a wrapped upper arm (24). Kris Kloss is commentating with Rivera, as his scandal has yet to go down, and he questions the legitimacy of Rizzono's injury before ogling Enterprise member, porn star, and fire safety don't Veronica Caine. Rizzono pulls the traditional "I'm a wealthy, arrogant heel and I'm better than you" shtick out. As the Enterprise turns to leave, Webb comes attacking with the Kendo Stick, whacking all the male Enterprisees. Rizzono is tossed into the barricade and hit with the stick again before the bell rings.

White Trash Johnny Webb vs. Steve Rizzono (w/ T.J. Rush, G.Q. Money, and Veronica Caine) Money and Rush attack Webb, creating an early three-on-one. Mayhem on the outside. Rizzono takes a couple of one-handed swings at Webb with the stick ('cause the other one is "injured") before pulling back in pain and letting Money do the world's worst charge with a kendo stick ever at Webb (25). Apparently Webb took a fierce barricade whippin and was busted open (26). Oh, now he's bleeding. Webb rolled into the ring by Rush, who teams with Money for a double lariat to the chest. Rizzono comes in and knocks down Webb once more before grabbing the stick and doing some more left-handed stick shots. He steps on Webb's chest and presses the stick down into Webb's bloody forehead. DDT by Rizzono, who then sells the arm again, bringing in Rush to stomp on him some more, much to the ref's dismay. Webb ducks a couple of Rush lariats, but the third time's the charm. Webb is all in pain and stuff, and Rizzono comes back in, pushes him into the corner, whips him into the other corner, and charges with the knee. The stick is reacquired, and Rizzono one-handed snapmares Webb out of the corner, before golf-shotting Webb's head with the stick. Crowd goes "ohhhhhhhhhh" as Rivera dubs him "the Tiger Woods of professional wrestling." Webb bails outside and looks all stunned as Money and Rush work him some more on the outside. Webb back in, and the commentators argue as Rizzono pensively whips Webb, who reverses and clotheslines him (27). Webb spits out a mouthful of his blood, first in the air, then down at Rizzono. Rush back in, but Webb sorta takes a back bump and lifts his legs, one of which finds Rush's groin. Webb with a DDT, then scoops up Rizzono, alledgedly for his finishing move, the Welfare Check, but Rizzono reverses and Rocker Drops Webb (28). Rizzono goes to cover, but the ref is distracted by Veronica Caine, who continues to hold up the ref despite having a clear view of Rizzono covering Webb, not the other way around. It is sold as her thinking Webb had hit the Welfare Check, despite seeing the One Night Stand, but it sort of makes sense in light of her fire safety record. Rizzono bitches at Caine, but Webb schoolboys him from behind for the 1,2,3. (5:13) (29). Short, inadequate, and appealing to all the wrong people; if matches were Presidents, this one would be Millard Fillmore. (30)

A bizarre angle zoom of Rivera trying to explain Caine's motives some more. It ain't working, chico. He then moves on to ogle her breasts, before explaining in great detail the entire "valet distracts the ref" technique we've all seen so many times before.

Zoom on the Britney poster pans over to Kevin busy typing at his computer, in massive font, the phrase "ABSO MOTHER F****N LOUTELY (sic) EX." Webb comes back in and produces a handwritten-in-red-marker contract for the Tournament entry for Kevin to sign. Kevin says he went to Rob (so that's what that other guy's name is) and says he lacks the authority to sign his magic marker contract. Kevin brings up the entry in return for "a favor" stipulation, but Webb mistakes the meaning of "a favor" and says he won't do gay porn. Kevin signs, and Webb agrees to the favor, and both promise not to renege on the contract.

Merchandise shill again.

Super zoom-in on big fake breasts spins around to a convertible which holds Rush, Money, and then Caine, holding the camera (31). Money asks Rush if he has "the instruments of death", to which Rush produces a couple of iron bars, and a bottle of lighter fluid. Money cackles with glee, proclaiming, "we're gonna torch this son of a bitch like we torched his fat fu(bleeeeep)in uncle!" (32). Money spots Kaos, and Caine manages to zoom in even more to show Kaos walking in the parking lot of a Sav-on Drug Store. They mock some fat lady before continuing their stalking of Kaos.

Rivera declares the TV title tournament to be official, thus making the bulk of this show somewhat relevant. How does this shot end, you ask? Why, an extreme close-up on Rivera's face, silly man.

We now get a series of clips from Rapture, all set to Drowning Pool's "Bodies" (33). The first clip we get is none other than Supreme going through the table of fire, then being aflame for eight or nine seconds. Various other stuff, again focusing on the keys of violence, sex, and former wrestlers of merit and/or fame. Of special note: the frequent appearances of the Sandman and Vampiro, both of whom seem to have left the company. Different angle of Supreme being on fire, though the clips also show various light tube smashings during his match, so as not to make him seem the one-trick pony. Ooh, Rapture's now available on VHS! Let's all go to xpwrestling.com and buy it…today (34).

Back to the Enterprise's car, as they have once again spotted Kaos in the twilight, apparently wandering around an industrial park, though Caine's camera work doesn't allow for much idea of what's going on. Money pulls a three-point turn, which seems to frighten Veronica. That's pretty much it.

Merchandise plug, one more time.

Back to Rob, who is greeted with rhythmic door-knocking by Kevin, who then tells of Webb's contract. Rob is pissed at Kevin for signing, before again breaking out the world's worst "What's the matter with you?" again. Rob tells Kevin to "go find Chandra Levy or something" (35)

Rivera is impressed with tonight's goings-on, and the camera does all kinds of wacky spins and jerks to indicate his enthusiasm. Next week, there will be more Rapture footage and TV title tournament/ 2nd Anniversary Show info (36). Website plug. C'mon, guess how this segment ends. That's right: Tight Zoom on Rivera's face.

Back to the Enterprise's wacky adventures, as Rush and Money ready themselves with pipes and drive towards Kaos, politely honking to indicate their arrival. Pipe-related beatdown ensues, encouraged by Caine, whose camera work is nauseating (37). They bash in his hand, then set off some sort of flash paper on his hand before speeding away.

Fire alarm takes us home from another edition of XPW TV. Whoo!! I'm done.

Well, um, if nothing else, it featured a wrestling match, something last week's episode could not, and also on the plus side, I seem to have lost my perverse fascination with watching this crap.

Until next time, this is Chris, your faithful Protégé, reminding you never to call an episode of RAW (or even Thunder) the worst wrestling on TV. Good night.

Chris Lening
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Far too many Footnotes!

1. Last week's show ended with the same alarm, so as to further remind us that a man suffered major burns unintentionally due to negligence that would probably qualify as criminal.
2. If my deductions from later in the show are accurate, this would be XPW owner Rob Black. Oh chyron, how Imiss you.
3. Apparently this is not common knowledge
4. One of many a stable in XPW, such as the (Rob) Black Army and the continued teaming of Vampiro with the Insane Clown Posse. Those of who in touch with Bob Barnett, please, you know what to do.
5. For those not in the know, blame falls on the porn star who doused the table liberally with long-lasting lighter fluid, whoever decided to put Supreme through the table face first, Supreme himself for discarding the "Stop, Drop, and Roll" technique in favor of the "Holy Shit! I'm on fire" flailing and running technique, the fire technicians who decided the table needed to be put out before the man, and Rob Black for ever deciding to start a wrestling company. Just a quick guide for those looking to put some lawsuits on the table.
6. The Acting is somewhat on the level of Black's other productions.
7. Or perhaps XPW is just a land where Kayfabe still has a place. It's the Memphis of crappy garbage feds, you know.
8. The Camera Work is somewhat on the level of Black's other productions.
9It's in his new book. Read it. It's good.
10. I don't.
11. Take every Hispanic character Hank Azaria has ever played and multiply it by about seven. There's your accent, chico.
12. Maybe XPW can work up those Free Kevin Mitnick people into a lather about all this. SOMEONE CALL 2600!
13. See: Every Bad Sitcom ever
14. Between Britney and Rancid, Kevin has managed to synthesize my musical tastes with Shaddax's.
15. Someone's stealing the scripts from the other Rob Black productions.
16. Borden is the real wife of Rob Black, and one of the many females in XPW with a day job in the porn industry.
17. Well, it's good to accept who you are. XPW: Helping.
18. It is unclear whether once you first get the belts and then get the power, you then also get the women.
19. His gimmick is that of the son of God. If memory serves, he's a heel. Someone's been stealing from Hyatte! Actually, I think Hyatte's been stealing from Rob Black.
20. This trip in time consists of Rivera telling us what went down. No video, no stills.
21. Cross Angus from AC/DC with Cyrus from ECW and give him an irritating voice.
22. There's an ambitious goal.
23. It's all about the class, kids.
24. He claims injury due to a "shower injury." Make your own hardcore wrestler/ex-con joke here. His hands and wrists are nonetheless taped.
25. He sorta jogs over to him and thrusts the stick at Webb lengthwise.
26. I don't see it yet, but Rivera assures me it has happened.
27. I must note that it takes a couple seconds of tie-up lull before anyone gets whipped in this match.
28. He calls it "The One Night Stand."
29. Yeah, so that was far too much recap for five minutes. Dammit, this was the only match the whole show, so I had to burn all my match recap stuff here.
30. I cannot rate on the star system worth a damn. However, I am chock full of historical facts. Thus, this is my rating system.
31. Yes, it does have the requisite white border bars and blinking red "REC" indicator, in case you were wondering.
32. Then they kicked a puppy and called Freddie Blassie near death. THEY'RE BASTARDS!
33. If you've been lucky enough not to hear it, it basically consists of "Let the Bodies hit the floor" in various tones, and at one point the singer guy goes "AGGGGGHHHHHHH. HOOO-AGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!! HOOO-AGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" before aggressively saying "Let the Bodies hit the floor."
34. Or, let's imitate these stunts at home, which is probably more fun than watching this!
35. XPW: Where to turn for the stories of the day.
36. Rivera fails to mention if next week's episode will be packed to the gills with more WACKY SKITS!
37. If I wasn't taking notes while I watched, I probably would have gotten motion sickness. That, or I would have changed the damn channel.