I Am A Masochist, Or: Four Episodes of AAA on Galavision
by Chris Lening

Bad Wrestling. It's an odd thing. For me, there's no better gauge of how worthwhile something is than to see it in its purest form. Vince Russo might not have seemed like such a bad guy in 1998, but when WCW gave him full control, I forever associated the picture of Russo, wearing a hockey helmet to prevent another head injury, looking for all the world like he just stepped off the Special Bus, with Wrestling Gone Wrong. My earlier explorations of XPW proved what can happen when a Wrestling Show actually does become nothing but wacky skits about the Owner of the Company. Like shooting mixed with your wrestling? Take it too far, and anthropomorphic ham Tadao Yasuda gets a hold of the IWGP Title. But arguably there is no major promotion in the world right now worse than Antonio Peña's AAA. People often praise CMLL for maintaining its traditions; the more you watch of AAA, the more you understand that most of this praise stems from the fact that AAA is light years removed from El Santo and Black Shadow. I've never been able to watch an episode in full as it airs, as even the strongest CMLL after-buzz can't make Lucha Gimmick Hell worth it. But since I have no Galavision at school, I've turned to James Cobo's TiVo to supply me with the sweet wrestling heroin that is current CMLL. By doing so, I ended up with tapes half full of the other promotion. This is as much a review as it is a learning experiment for me, to see what makes a lucha match suck by fully drenching myself in it. This is the AAA Project.

Note: All matches will be scored on a weirdness scale from 1 to 10. Since I'm all about putting it in an easily understandable context, I give you the appropriate Jim Ross comment for each level. My great and sincere thanks to CRZ for transcribing these, and to JR for absolutely going out of his mind on Television every Week.

1 - "Wrestlemania X-8 was the best ever." This is paraphrased, but he said something to the effect.
2 - "A lack of disrespect…"
3 - "It was like a well-planned...plan..."
4 - "Old Booger Red himself."
5 - "He's as Goofy as a Pet Coon."
6 - "He's hugging Jericho like they were Sigfried & Roy!"
7 - "Jeff got the hell powerbombed out of him...more times than Liza Minelli's been married."
8 - "Those educated feet! One went to Harvard, one went to Yale. Their daddy must be so proud."
9 - "He has the look on his face, does Regal, that he - he smelled your...your torso."
10 - "Multi-orgasmic, if you will, in a cosmic sort of way." This distracted from the match, it was so weird.

OK then.

February 5, 2002

If it's anything like CMLL, and I think it is, the American airdates are about two weeks after taping. It's a little more difficult to tell with AAA since they don't have Pay Per Views you can base things off of. Anyhow, I am rambling to keep from weeping over the fact that I just fast forwarded through a Guerreros del Infernales match and promo. I am already full of regret.

We are greeted by Arturo Rivera standing next to construction equipment of some sort. He is wearing a pretty awesome Televisa sports jacket. And now here's Andres Maronas next to some covered wagon made of iron. So confused…But here's Jesus Zuniga next to…is that a tractor? These three are the announce team for AAA, and they're pretty OK, but you can't beat Alfonso Morales. The man sounds like poetry when he's on top of his game. Anyhow, they avoid having irritating voices in the manner of Jerry Lawler et al, so that's all I really need from people who speak languages I don't understand.

Oh, and we're back, with an interview with the Barrio Boys, next to a fountain, speaking with one of the Commentators. One of these Barrio Boys is holding a skateboard. They seem to be cutting a promo when two guys with horned masks attack them, steal their skateboard, and hit them with it. Yes, well. And now one of the attackers is pointing at himself with his mask off? Is this some other guy, or has AAA totally forgotten the sanctity of the mask? Wait, here's some wrestling.

Hey! It's "We Will Rock You!" And HEY! That's not Los Guerreros Del Infernales. SHIT. These would be Los Diabolicos, Mr. Condor and Angel Mortal. RIPOFF. Gallego is in there somewhere, too. They all seem to have masks which look like elongated skulls. And here's the Barrio Boys. They look like the male equivalent of those girls in porn videos dressed up to look like they're 14 so some ex-con can fake-rape them. Or so I hear. I avoid the fake rape. And the real rape. Anyhow, there seems to be four guys coming out, but only Billy Boy, Alan, and Decnnis will be wrestling today.

Billy Boy (Captain)/Alan/Decnnis vs. Mr. Condor (Captain)/Gallego/Angel Mortal:

Primera Caida: Los Diabolicos are no longer wearing the masks, but they do have ugly yellow pants that seem to be from Satanico's reject pile. Beatdown of the pubescents to start, and Los Diabolicos even try a triple team move, like the REAL New Infernales. They kinda mess it up. Points for effort, though. One guy submits to an armbar and I guess the other two were counted out. (About 1:10). That was every lazy Segunda Caida in every match ever. Diabolicos continue the beatdown on another Barrio Boy. One of his teammates is being checked on the outside, but he manages to pop up and seems OK.

Segunda Caida: One of the announcers starts by yelling REALLY LOUD. It kinda sounds like FURIIIIIIIIIIIIURIIIIOUSSS. Or possibly Curious. The Barrio Boy Beatdown continues, and the Diabolicos take time to yell at the crowd. Again with the use of skateboards as implements of pain, BUT NO! Finally one of the Barrio Boys manages to reverse the whip, dealing his unwitting attacker a face full of Skateboard. As if by magic, the Barrio Boys spring into a full-on comeback. Very little of this is occurring in the ring. Until they just decide to go back in and restart inside the ring. OK. The one the announcers call Billy Boy seems to be a fan of flying headscissors-type moves, as he manages to break out a standing one, one out of a baseball slide to the outside, and a Litacanrana within about thirty seconds. He's not bad at it, though. One of his partners seems to have used the Bedazzler on his shirt, and he does a pretty neat elaborate armdrag, although then he and all three Diabolicos do an awful series of hiptosses. Lieutenant Bedazzler celebates with a Spinaroonie. Barrio Boys continue with the advantage, leading to both Alan and Decnnis doing topes, the first of which is kinda jerky, but the second was pretty OK. Billy Boy goes for the pin, but the referees are distracted, and so Mr. Condor fakes a foule. ARGH. (7:26). Your evil referee is Tirantes, still. The replay shows Condor actually low blowed Billy Boy, but Tirantes did not see Billy writhing around in gonadal trauma. Well. The Barrio Boys are a little creepy, but seem capable of doing moves and stuff. Diabolicos showed me a big sack of nothing. They couldn't hold Ultimo Guerrero's jock. This match was pretty lame, although the post-match interviews are pretty oddly neat, as one of the Diabolicos seems trying to sound like Rey Bucanero with all the screaming, and Billy Boy has the voice of a thirteen year old. Must…restrain…from…Peña jokes…

Jim Ross would dub this and several of its participants Goofy As a Pet Coon. (5).

Back from Commercial, we get Noti AAA, which seems to be various clips of stuff. Some clowns leap on KISS. Hey, I get to see that match in a couple shows! Here's El Picudo cutting a promo on Los Payasos, who I think are the Clowns. Picudo's got a Virus-esque mullet, although Virus has more volume. I don't speak Spanish, so this is making me Fast Forward. We do get a Telephone call in from Antonio Peña, who must be busy. (With the Barrio Boys.) STOP THAT, homophobic Parentheses guy!

Back from Commercial, we get a segment of some strapping young lad training. His name is…Randy? Jesus, that is the least tough name for a wrestler EVER. Some guy calls him a "Chiquita", but he's wearing Cutoff Jean Shorts which reveal his oiled up legs. Some dude in a red mask attacks him. The trainer guy, who is really old and is wearing unbelievably tiny shorts, tries to stop this, but Señor Cutoffs keeps him back. More Randy beatdown ensues. They strip Randy of his shirt. In comes Heavy Metal, who threatens revenge for Randy's assault. This is so boring. Hey, a match!

Heavy Metal (Captain)/Randy/El Zorro vs. Abismo Negro (Captain)Psicosis/Chessman:

Note that AAA Psicosis, much like AAA La Parka, is not the real thing. Peña owns the gimmicks. Nicho El Millionario is the Real Psicosis. Abismo Negro seems to be doing an homage to Spiderman. Heavy Metal looks like Negro Casas minus twenty years and on heroin, which I believe is actually the case (that is to say, he's the smack-addict younger brother of Negro Casas). Randy looks like the World's Lamest Magnum Tokyo.

Primera Caida: Abismo Negro and Heavy Metal throw out some ground stuff to start. It's acceptable, but it lacks the crispness and quickness of CMLL matwork. Randy tags in to face Chessman, who blew his opportunity by not coming out dressed like a Giant Rook. Armdrags and pinning combinations and stuff ensue, again being not bad or anything, but it's like watching CMLL in slow motion (or Rayo Jr. at normal speed). Chessman accidentally kicks Abismo, and they and Psicosis have a debate as Randy watches from inside. Fake Psicosis suckers El Zorro into a three man beatdown, and from there the rudos take control. Chessman appears to be copulating with Heavy Metal while Abismo has him in a headlock. (Uhhh…) Abismo pushes Metal's head into each successive turnbuckle all the way down to the floor, which is like Silver King's moonsault combo if it were really, really lame. Oh, look, Chessman brought a ladder. And some chairs. Stupid Edge and Stupid Christian and Stupid Hardys. Rudos take like nine years setting the ladder on the chairs so Chessman can do the seesaw spot on Zorro. Psicosis takes the pin. They hit Randy with the chairs and stuff, then everyone pins him in a rudo totem pole. (7:44) Replays show us hitting Randy with chairs isn't nearly as exciting as it should be.

Segunda Caida: More of the beating of the Tecnicos. There's the ladder again. Randy is about to be double teamed when all of a sudden we get the Televisa Edit Point (A close-up of an audience member) and Zorro is writhing on the mat. Heavy Metal is repeatedly introduced to the ladder, as this descends into the most boring hardcore match ever. At least CZW has the decency to put in hilariously inept wrestlers. Tecnicos eventually fight back, and Randy hits a pretty OK top-rope dropkick and later a tope con hilo. Zorro pins Psicosis and Heavy Metal takes Abismo with a Casita. (3:07 shown). The crowd seems to enjoy it. The tecnicos on offense were pretty good, but the rudo segments just dragged on forever.

Tercera Caida: Abismo Negro's mask comes off pretty early, so that's usually not a good sign. I do learn that the white part of it is actually makeup, and not part of the mask, so hey, knowledge is OK. Rudos all huddle to adjust Abismo's mask, and the tecnicos take a smoke break in the corner. Edit Point, but I doubt anything happened, as the rudos are still on the outside. This is even more boring than the first fall. Nothing happens for well over a minute, and then something does and it involves Rudo bickering. Tecnicos again discuss the merits of Goethe in the corner. EDIT THIS. Abismo and Heavy Metal again do some back and forth stuff, ending in Abismo begging Tirantes to give him a fake foule call. Now the referees argue as Psicosis does something to Zorro, who is managing to escape this mess without me hating him. Ah, Replay shows us Tirantes whacking Zorro about the head with a cookie sheet. Zorro continues to actually be pretty good, until Abismo Negro comes in and resumes sucking, kicking him in the balls. The Gonadal Focus of this match and this entire promotion is Staggering. Oh, look, the ladder's back! Chessman staggers around for a few seconds looking like he has no idea what's going on, then he realizes the ladder can be used for pain. More Evil Tirantes. At some point Zorro loses his mask, and then his team is dubbed the winners. (9:14 of pain shown). I wager to say Giant Silva would have made this match BETTER, as at least then it would have had a focus (that of course being, "Gee Golly! That guy's large!").

All matches after this one I'm gonna write something only after each fall is over. This is punishing my brain.

Whattaya say, Jim? "He's hugging Jericho like they were Sigfried & Roy!" (6) It was more boring than fucked-up, but I think any match with Randy deserves this one or the Liza Minelli one. Either way, it baffles me how they decided to spend 95% of the match in the worst possible setting (extended beatdown by the rudos).

Other episodes in this project: 2/12/02, 2/19/02, 3/5/02

Chris Lening
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